THE LOSS OF 20 YEARS…

Twenty long years of no communication and not knowing where these girls were..my inability to not even focus on the special moments I tried so hard to capture in my active mind. I missed so much. Even though I have been blessed with several other grandchildren and the opportunity to share special moments with them, I would perpetually share my loss of them as I enjoyed and loved each of the others…

EXTENDED FAMILY IS A GOOD THING…

They have never been forgotten…and how I wished a phone call made so many years ago had never happened. I don’t know how a custodial parent can make the decision to start a new life with no regards to the extended family who only wanted to remain active in her children’s lives. As an only child, perhaps my perceptions differ and are strangely off center.

THE WORTH OF A RELATIONSHIP…

However, I have learned that life is unfair…even to good people. Twenty years is a long time to dull the senses…it can even turn the hearts. I hold onto that thought knowing that my wish to get to know my “lost” grandaughters may never happen in my lifetime. I realize that that is a fact, still deep down I yearn for some kind of closure and ressolve. Perhaps that will never come…

NANA LOVES…

I love being a Nana…..it is so much more than being a parent. I like to laugh and watch the happy smiles of the kids. I enjoy their ability to accept me as I am with no judgment. I like being able to give to them freely with no strings attached and no axe to grind. I like not having to make decisions for them…I like championing their causes and triumps. I enjoy their company, their spontanious joy, and their warm, sweet hugs…

A NEW BEGINNING….

So, as the world turns another dearly loved ”stranger” has gotten married. The start of a life shared with a loving companion. She will marvel in the time alone with her husband as they build their life together. Decisions they make and the love they share will require dedication and forgiveness. The best training comes with marriage and demands courage, sacrifice and thinking of the other partner more than one thinks of themself…

Even though I am not bonded to them as family…I sincerely wish them well and hope much success comes their way…

It is a happy time…I only wish the situation was different so that Grandad and I could have participated in the joy of it…

Jessica, you are dearly loved..!

UNEMPLOYMENT…AGAIN

I realize we are just a small drop in the unemployed bucket…but starting over at our age bits the big one. As in the past, we will weather this storm…most of us always do somehow. So I will keep my “falling on my sword” to a minimum…a job is a job, is a job.

So, in my thinking time I worry…certainly not about money. Money just buys stuff and heaven knows we have enough of that. I worry about my grown children and their abilities to weather the financial storms of the future. Grandad and I no longer have handy the funds to help sustain them. All we seem to be able to do now is to offer encouragement, love and lend a listening ear…

SAME OLD HEALTH STUFF…

During my thinking time I have had to face health issues face to face. No longer on employee benefits, we have had to endure our first encounter with medicare first hand. All the while having to listen to the pros and cons of a new national healthcare plan. Frustration cannot explain what I feel about the “plan”, about Congress people spinning, and the quick handed, strong armed tactics to get a bill passed with not even been read. Folks, we are talking about the rest of my lfe here..!!

Since January I have had an eye hemorage that needed a specialist; another cataract surgery, and several visits to the doctor for fluid retention that nearly put me in the hospital. We have eliminated a few medications and added one more…I had a doctor’s appointment this week and he remarked..” Oh look..you have ankles again!” When you get older it is a series of little things that matter….

UNCERTAIN FUTURE….

And perhaps that is how we should look upon the future that lies ahead. So uncertain, fastly changing and extremely worrisome…we need to concentrate on the small daily triumps to get us through to tomorrow.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH…PAUSE

Today, I looked outside to see the white puffy clouds play hide and seek with the snow capped mountains. In contrast to the ancient granite mountains is the brilliant hue of new green leaves popping out on the trees. Yesterday was a day filled with the emotions of nature…a squall across the valley, large balls of hail falling hard upon the ground…such is spring where I live…

Yep, we are hurting, like so many others, but Heavenly Father always seems to renew the earth and the human spirit. I am full of gratitude for His blessings…

I have no intentions of curling up into a bitter old lady..

Sooo, there is where I stand..how about you..?

THE UNEXPECTED…

One would not know that life awaits the unexpected…that situations occur to dull this pristine picture. As people scurry about to work and clean the holiday messes…tragic things happen.

I once thought that nothing could be worse than the death of a mom. My mom passed away over 40 years ago…a generation has been raise since then. I was young, perhaps I was better prepared to accept her passing. I think about this alot…she passes through my thoughts constantly. Perhaps she knows there is yet many things that need to be said…I could use a good talk now and then with mom.

WHEN TRAGEDY STRIKES….

However, I have been on the silent receiving line of my youngest child’s grief. Two years ago today she lost her beloved husband of 12 years. No one thinks that someone will die at age 36…surely it would never happen to us…

It was bitter cold outside as we tried to comfort my daughter. I just might have well ripped her heart from her chest…the disbelief…the horror… the concern for the 5 year old confused and unaware.

I scooped my grandaughter up and headed toward home. She held tight as I contemplated answering her questions….the police were there…is Daddy ok..? No Dear, Daddy has died…

I thought hard about the events that had lead up to my mom’s passing but…..nothing can compare to witnessing the events of THIS night. I felt utterly helpless, speachless and woefully inadequate to comprehend what lies ahead for the two people I loved so much.

PASSAGES….

Such are the passages in life…the hardest part is letting go of one. Certain stages of life can come and go without a blink of an eye…some we just rave fair thy well and enough said. But death leaves its ineviable sting…where suddenly life stops and one is left alone to push forward in time.

It has been a difficult two years…we have learned and struggled with alot of nonsense. We have had to desiminated between feelings and selfish desires and wants. Sometimes we talk…other moments pass by when feelings become so tender that silence is the only way to speak…

I miss Mike…I miss his bright and shining smile. I miss his easy going manner and our quiet little talks. How much they mean to me now. I had not realized how significant those talks were at the time…

Through him lives his little daughter…she is a real joy. He would be so pleased at her progess in school and I believe all along he knew his dear wife would champion his life and keep him significant in hers…

I see her Daddy in every smile along side that glowing dimple in her cheek. I see her daddy in her sense of humor as she piles make-up and glitter on my face..

She makes my heart soar like an eagle..

And for that Mike, you have my everelasting gratitude and deepest love!!!

REALISTIC THINKING…

In reality that is perhaps exactly where I should start….trying to turn my wishes into reality. If this is to be the case, then I had better make attainable goals and steer clear of lofty dreams.There is, however, a place for dreams but spending too much time with them can hamper progression.

RETROSPECT….

Since my injury I have been trying to find my “New Normal.” This year I hope to find it. The difference will be assessing my abilities in a realistic manner so that a goal CAN come to be. The action word “try” should never be put to bed….

Frankly 2009, for me, sucked….now that I have “been there, done that” I’d just as soon push, struggle, moan and groan my way to personal improvement…..

MY HERO….

I have an unlikely example in a cousin I found on the Internet several years ago….quite a miracle story in itself really. She is a few years older than I am but has the will and stamina of the energy bunny. She lives in an old farm house on several acres where she manages a few horse, cats and dogs. She has a wood stove and carries in firewood every day. When she phones me she is usually multi-tasking and slightly out of breathe. Her favorite comment is.” if I sit down I’ll never get up.”… She is a 70 year old wonder….

AS THE WORLD GOES…

I don’t know too many families who have not been affected by the changes that came in 2009. The bad news in the economy has hit every family in some way. Our widowed daughter has yet to realize her name off and monies from selling her house last July. The various banks have her in their system and can’t get her out!!

We have a son who has worked for free in a start up company after being “let go” from another. Another son struggles to maintain company goals all the while losing half his work force and clients too strapped to purchase the luxury of chocolate. We have two in our family who work for a company that is struggling to stay alive like so many others….

On the plus side, our widowed daughter has had the privilege of becoming a stay-at-home Mom to her 7 year old. It has been 2 years this week since we lost their husband/daddy. A massive loss and wound that never fully heals. This particular event has affected us the most…too much think time and woulda/coulda’s……

I suppose none of this is new to anyone…it is just life passages. I can see how easy it can be to’ just sit down and not get up.” But the human spirit is courages and it seems that adversities make the American spirit get up and run….

So, I might have to run with my cane or at the seat of a wheel chair or scooter. And where am I running…?

No where in particular…too breathe stronger..to live better…to touch someone in need!

That’s a good start isn’t it…?

GENERATIONS OF TIME…

We have had generations who have come and gone…facing gigantic odds and over coming adversities. We come into life to be nurtured and taught and loved. We grow, experience and see for ourselves the world as it is and from that determine our mindset as to how we will respond from day to day.

BEHAVIORS…

Our behaviors walk the fine line between intellect and emotion. Some of us ride the tides of stress, some kick against the pricks and other lash out in knee jerk response while others recoil into self absorption. We do not walk these paths alone…others to some varying degree come alone, sometimes to complicate a situation.

BINDING RELATIONSHIPS…

Relationships must be very important in the grand scheme of things. Relationships need tender loving care otherwise they fade and disappear…It is said we do not get to choose our family. Thereby..the odds of bonding in the true sense of love becomes worrisome. Even among families each person is individually born and molded. Having to accept each other and nurturing a lasting bond takes great work and patience…

Sibling relationships have always puzzled me. I understand the physical and emotional bonds that come with motherhood but the sibling connections are complicated and intense. Unfortunately the ways of the world get in the way of establishing” brotherly love.” Used to be that family bonded together just to make ends meet and survive… Forced isolation commands cooperation…

WHAT THE WORLD HAS COME TO…

Today, we live in a manner of convenience. When once we worked to survive …now we work to satisfy wants. Wanting things seem to smoke screen the natural desire for acceptance and viability. A short thrill or high seems to satisfy a short moment of pleasure. Nothing lasting …

As much as I seemed to have jump over that hill and sliding down it fast enough…I have come to know that worldly pleasures do not bring true happiness. I see it in a generation of young people whose vacant eyes show disappointment and dispair. They go to extrordinary measures to seek the absurd and debased to shock themselves into feeling…all the while drinking, smoking, swallowing or touching themselves and others into numbness…

In the long run, however, it is all an individual choice whose consequences rear up and bite one in the butt more times than not. Someday, we stand before ourselves reliving bad, stupid decisions based upon worldly morales and perceived desires…

Oft times bringing us to our knees realizing the wastes we have left and the seeds of good we have not sown…

They say growing old is not for the faint of heart..

But dying without goods works last forever!

PARENTHOOD…

However, once a parent always a parent…the parenthood sign is forever hung on our front door and in our hearts. Many things in life come with instructions however, becoming a parent has no book available on how to raise a child. I am the mother of five grown adults. Each one born much the same way…but each so very different from each other.

At first parents want to protect their children and keep them safe. Growing up is a long process that really does not have anything to do with age. For instance, some of the yougest people I know are the elderly and some people are just born “old.” Bring on other siblings and the testing ground of parenthood becomes complicated and downright scary.

FULLY DEDICATED…

Being a parent involved full dedication or something might get missed along the way. Parenthood requires on the spur of the moment decisions, judgments and disciplines. And as parent we learn as we go…

Mistakes happen and forgiveness is appreciated. Luckily most children have the heart to do so. As time goes by parental controls wane and disappear all together. Then, as parents. we do less but worry more…At this point we are left watching our handiwork shine. The good, bad and ugly!

PERSONAL REGRETS…

Speaking for myself, I was way too serious and busy to truly enjoy every waking moment of child raising. I was also too young, too stupid to chronicle in my mind the joys I was missing. The time went by so fast..and as I was living it I had no idea. I seek back to those times now and realize how unfair life can be… how unwise I was not to stop and hug more and enjoy the moments…

I fall upon my wisdom now in remorse in not realizing the importance of those long ago moments and the importance they play upon my life now. Perhaps my biggest mistake was protecting my children too much. I wanted them safe…I wanted them to know happiness and love…I wanted them to see the greatness in themselves.

LEARNING TO FAIL WITH GRACE…

However, I needed to teach them how to fail at a much earlier age. Small teaching moments, uncomfortable as they may have been, in order to prepare them more for the real world and the disappointments that lie ahead. Perhaps, no parents can truly teach that…

That is why, as a Nana and great Nana, I now find such disgust in the worldly nature of things. I am offended that it has become so hard to meet the obligations of parenthood nowadays. We still have the same 24 hours in a day, but the ways in life are spinning out of control and the pressures become unmanageable. How dare the undesireable ways of life interfere in the happiness of those I love!

So many outside influences that debase the sanctity of family…the foundation of life itself.

NO EASY TASK…

Parenting is not easy…I sit along the sidelines now watching the struggles of my own adult children. I am seeing in them what I once felt and relive so often. No longer in control but an observer as life twist and turns the lives of their children and grandchildren. Their choices in life glaring…our mistakes repeatedly naked before us…

One day we are left with just the memories…thankfully the bad of it wanes and the joys come forth and are remembered and relived once again.

Being forgiven and forgiving brings forth the forgotten joys and makes it sweeter and much more meaningful…

Thank the Lord for loving hearts and warm hugs!

ODDS AND ENDS…

I have a few odds and ends to finish and in a way it has been a different experience this year…I have once again planned remarkably well. Alas for not, because I always end up in the same place…the faster I go the farther behind I get!!! I have cut back some…not so many decorations up, no plans for a mega cook fest, and judging from the lack of Christmas cards being sent it seems most people have cut back also.

Never mind though, the spirit of the holiday always comes forth with random acts of kindness and a sense of giving that warms the heart.

REMEMBERING…

I can’t help thinking of Christmas’s long ago when a childhood dream could come true. It is this time of year that I think of those I have not had lasting friendships with…though I surely wish I had. Three grandaughters come to mind…three people I have not seen in nearly 20 years. I have spent years hoping that one day this gross unfairness would correct itself but as life will always remind me…life ain’t fair…

GETTING A GRIP….

Now that I have come to grips with that reality and have felt the sting of resentment and rejection I feel nothing but sadness. The ways of the world can take 3 beautiful girls ( now women) and color their thoughts and prejudices in such a way that beckons worldly and unbecoming behaviors…I would have wished something so different for them.

Regardless of their ways and feelings I still hold a special place in my heart for the 3 innocent faces I have carried with me all these years. I am so grieved they have been robbed of their innocense. I wish them well. I have high hopes that they will find their way and find the joy they can bring to others.

I feel that I am at a turning point in my life…I just don’t know which road to take. I have been provided a map of happiness…

I think I will dutifully follow it!

Mery Christmas…

FEELINGS…

I felt it abundantly yesterday as I attended my Grandaughter’s school on Grandparents Day. So many shining little faces filled with delight in knowing that is was the last day of school before the Thanksgiving holiday.

For about four hours we were able to see these children participate in the daily school routine. It was good to see how technology makes teaching so much easier. The excitement with interactive exchange is thrilling to watch. Good teachers make education fun and it was clear that these children were having fun at school…..a blessing in itself nowadays!

CURSES…THE EVIL MACHINE!!!

We came home to the delivery of our new toy…mark my words that we do NOT do this sort of thing. Sitting in our driveway was a ATV, all-terrain vehicle……! For us this is frivrolity max times ten…

First, we have great disgust for the ATV tracks we see marking our pristine hillsides. Second, we are very aware that these vehicles are dangerous. But….

LET IT SNOW….

For years we have struggled with the snow. Our home is situated on a hillside on a corner lot that measures just over a half acre. To just mow the grass takes a major effort. During the winter Grandad usually bundles himself up and drags his old bones outside to meet the challenge of the snow covered concrete…

Now, we have tons of concrete, a large triple car driveway; another wrap around driveway in front of the house and sidwalks that wrap around three sides of the yard. Grandad usually strumbles into the house totally exhausted. Nine times out of ten, he has usually fallen…

So to make purchasing the evil ATC more palitable…it now has a wonderful shining snow blade attached to it…! Such a wonder to see…

WORLD PEACE AND HAPPY NEIGHBORS…

I say that because when it was tested on a run down our street, out came our neighbor with a grand smile. He looked it over a bit and with delight realized he perhaps will have a chance to use it as the  snows are sure to come. He exchanged pleasantries and nearly danced back into his home…

So, it is obvious that such a machine can bring neighbors together. Over some hot chocolate that can be a good thing…..

REALIZATIONS…

Things like independance, freedom, mobility without calculated thought and pushing forward to maximum capability start to dim then the body screams “whoa!’ I have had a few unfortunate years of such limitations that have left me wondering where and when my “new normal” will bloom again….

BLESSINGS THAT REALLY MATTER….

Therefore, it is necessary for me to deliberately  consider the blessings that have come with such limitations. Because it is so much easier to fall upon my sword and suffer the unfairness of my situation. First of all, I must consider what comes with age like inconvenient ailments and the nasty procedures that follow…Nana, such is life. Bare with it because the alternative sucks….I have been blessed.

WHERE IS THE PATIENCE AND TOLERANCE…?

Confinement is not my favorite thing…learning patience and tolerance has come slowly. But it has given me time to think and contemplate…about my family, the ways of the world, genealogy and the state of true friendships. I have found myself looking back into my life and the roads I have taken and the decisions I have made. Would I have done some things differently….you bet! But I have concluded the journey isn’t ever over…just the passages of time.

Because of these choices I walk in my own unique shoes that no one else can fully understand. I have learned to judge less and speak with measured forethought.

GRATITUDE…

I am grateful that my needs have brought me closer to some members of my family…especially my grandchildren. They have come to my aid so many times with the willingness to serve. It has been fun to see them work together. I so enjoy watching them grow up…

Things have been such that I have had to depend upon my daughters far too much…I am sure I grate upon their nerves at times with my demands and frustations. I appreciate their silence with their frustations with me…

Grandad has always been “the rock” to me.  He is steady and dependable. He has had to put aside his aches and pain to tend to mine. When life gets too much for me, he puts perspective and hope and stills my restless soul. He is the wind beneath my wings…

I have alway been a dog person…dogs have been in my home all my life. Each pet has been special. Mandy, my current pet, is a snotty, selfish animal…Unlike her mother who had a sweet and loving spirit, Mandy is a free thinker and usually it’s all about herself. However, I have recognized her inner qualities as she is always close by my side…her companionship is a treasure to me…

I am grateful that I am beginning to see what’s really important in life…the eyes might dim and the fingers may disfigure and I might have to spend more time in the bathroom than I would like but….in the long run it is not the destinations in life that matters…it’s the journey!!

Peace be with thy soul…

TIME MARCHES ON….

Halloween has come and gone…the spooks and goblins have been placed in storage  but the candy still lingers. The earth is preparing for a long winter’s sleep. We huddle inside our home as the coming storms brew. However, preparations have begun and long time traditions prevail…

PREPARATIONS….

Our Christmas child has begun her work in decorating the house and yard. She prepares for her daughter as once again another years has passed without a husband and father. It is still mind numbing to accept that he is gone. Everytime I look into the face of his little girl I see a moment missed, an accomplishment not seen and a deep emptiness runs through my mind. In the still of night I still wonder how his death happened and why…???

A NEW NORMAL…?

Picking up the pieces is not easy. I see it every day as my daughter attempts to put the past behind her. Sometimes she makes great strides in pushing forward only to be caught up in a recollection or memory that flashes through her mind. It touches her inner soul…and is visable to a helpless mom who is powerless to change the circumstances…

Some circumstances just won’t go away. It took over a year to sell her house but she still is being hassled by the banks…seems the bank takeover and economy has hit honest financial transactions as well. The sale of her house is lost in the backed up computers systems bulging with corruption…no fault of her own but never the less a lingering lack of closure in her life.

CELEBRATING LIFE…

This coming week will marked her spouse’s birthday…and his birthday will be celebrated like last year. A grave site visit with flowers, a birthday cake baked by his two favorite girls and the decorating of their family Christmas tree. It stands each year as a monument of hope and of a life gone too soon in the measurement of time. Memories will flood the mind and we shall gather close to shower the spirits of those we love so much…

Happy Birthday Mike…you have so touched our lives…..