Chronicles of Nana

2010…..another new year starts, another new day dawns. It is a beautiful, crisp day…the sun full into the sky glancing down upon the snow covered peaks of the mountains. The birds swing from tree to tree and the deer tracks scoot across the front yard…

THE UNEXPECTED…

One would not know that life awaits the unexpected…that situations occur to dull this pristine picture. As people scurry about to work and clean the holiday messes…tragic things happen.

I once thought that nothing could be worse than the death of a mom. My mom passed away over 40 years ago…a generation has been raise since then. I was young, perhaps I was better prepared to accept her passing. I think about this alot…she passes through my thoughts constantly. Perhaps she knows there is yet many things that need to be said…I could use a good talk now and then with mom.

WHEN TRAGEDY STRIKES….

However, I have been on the silent receiving line of my youngest child’s grief. Two years ago today she lost her beloved husband of 12 years. No one thinks that someone will die at age 36…surely it would never happen to us…

It was bitter cold outside as we tried to comfort my daughter. I just might have well ripped her heart from her chest…the disbelief…the horror… the concern for the 5 year old confused and unaware.

I scooped my grandaughter up and headed toward home. She held tight as I contemplated answering her questions….the police were there…is Daddy ok..? No Dear, Daddy has died…

I thought hard about the events that had lead up to my mom’s passing but…..nothing can compare to witnessing the events of THIS night. I felt utterly helpless, speachless and woefully inadequate to comprehend what lies ahead for the two people I loved so much.

PASSAGES….

Such are the passages in life…the hardest part is letting go of one. Certain stages of life can come and go without a blink of an eye…some we just rave fair thy well and enough said. But death leaves its ineviable sting…where suddenly life stops and one is left alone to push forward in time.

It has been a difficult two years…we have learned and struggled with alot of nonsense. We have had to desiminated between feelings and selfish desires and wants. Sometimes we talk…other moments pass by when feelings become so tender that silence is the only way to speak…

I miss Mike…I miss his bright and shining smile. I miss his easy going manner and our quiet little talks. How much they mean to me now. I had not realized how significant those talks were at the time…

Through him lives his little daughter…she is a real joy. He would be so pleased at her progess in school and I believe all along he knew his dear wife would champion his life and keep him significant in hers…

I see her Daddy in every smile along side that glowing dimple in her cheek. I see her daddy in her sense of humor as she piles make-up and glitter on my face..

She makes my heart soar like an eagle..

And for that Mike, you have my everelasting gratitude and deepest love!!!

Happy New Year!!! My wish I truly want to express to alI the world. Wishes oft times do not come true….Seniorhood, I suppose, gets one to the point of realizing there is very little but ourselves that we can control….and even at that the body plays tricks on us….

REALISTIC THINKING…

In reality that is perhaps exactly where I should start….trying to turn my wishes into reality. If this is to be the case, then I had better make attainable goals and steer clear of lofty dreams.There is, however, a place for dreams but spending too much time with them can hamper progression.

RETROSPECT….

Since my injury I have been trying to find my “New Normal.” This year I hope to find it. The difference will be assessing my abilities in a realistic manner so that a goal CAN come to be. The action word “try” should never be put to bed….

Frankly 2009, for me, sucked….now that I have “been there, done that” I’d just as soon push, struggle, moan and groan my way to personal improvement…..

MY HERO….

I have an unlikely example in a cousin I found on the Internet several years ago….quite a miracle story in itself really. She is a few years older than I am but has the will and stamina of the energy bunny. She lives in an old farm house on several acres where she manages a few horse, cats and dogs. She has a wood stove and carries in firewood every day. When she phones me she is usually multi-tasking and slightly out of breathe. Her favorite comment is.” if I sit down I’ll never get up.”… She is a 70 year old wonder….

AS THE WORLD GOES…

I don’t know too many families who have not been affected by the changes that came in 2009. The bad news in the economy has hit every family in some way. Our widowed daughter has yet to realize her name off and monies from selling her house last July. The various banks have her in their system and can’t get her out!!

We have a son who has worked for free in a start up company after being “let go” from another. Another son struggles to maintain company goals all the while losing half his work force and clients too strapped to purchase the luxury of chocolate. We have two in our family who work for a company that is struggling to stay alive like so many others….

On the plus side, our widowed daughter has had the privilege of becoming a stay-at-home Mom to her 7 year old. It has been 2 years this week since we lost their husband/daddy. A massive loss and wound that never fully heals. This particular event has affected us the most…too much think time and woulda/coulda’s……

I suppose none of this is new to anyone…it is just life passages. I can see how easy it can be to’ just sit down and not get up.” But the human spirit is courages and it seems that adversities make the American spirit get up and run….

So, I might have to run with my cane or at the seat of a wheel chair or scooter. And where am I running…?

No where in particular…too breathe stronger..to live better…to touch someone in need!

That’s a good start isn’t it…?